20 November, 2010

Three years on: what I have learned about myself, and life, and death

Three years ago, today, my sister died.

I know now that the raw pain I felt then has not lessened. It won't. I will not get over this or become accustomed. I have learned and continue to learn to live with the loss, but the loss doesn't go with time. If anything, as time passes, I hate that the distance between now and then grows. That there are all these places I've been, she knows nothing of, and events she hasn't been part of, and conversations that I can't have with her.  A friend who lost his brother far too young told me that knowing he has "grown" as a person, learned so much from that loss, is as nothing compared to the loss. Well, that's where I am. And where I will always be. I have no doubt I have learned much about life and death. I am much less concerned about what people think. I am much more concerned about my family and spending time with them. I am not afraid of death and I mean to enjoy my life.

And I am lonely. Lonely in a very particular way. Not lacking for love or friends. Do you stop being a sister, because you no longer have a sister?


Suzanne@ Panteg Alpacas said...

Couldn't have put it better myself . I miss my parents every day .Know that we are here ....x

mountainear said...

Never had a sister so can't quite grasp that particular loss but do miss those gone forever - my Dad in particular who I so much want to cart around on my day-to-day-life, ask questions of and tell things to. So much so that even after 10+ years I still feel 'without;.

You are still a sister. you will always be a sister.

Best wishes